Lyme Disease and Resetting Expectations

Every time I tell someone I am a teacher, they say, "It must be great to have the summer off. " When I was applying to the private sector, I was told that so many times it has kind of been a slap in the face. I hate it. I hate the smugness of that statement and the dismissal of the fact of how hard I do work during the school year.

Regardless of my feelings of people, I do get summers off and usually that means I use that summer as a reboot. I use it as a way to restart myself and get focused. I had a couple of simple goals for the summer: I wanted to start training again with running with the possibility of running the Hennepin 100, I wanted to ride my Mountain bike 50 miles, complete a 100 miler on my road/gravel bike and be able to do some trad leading of simple routes. I was way on my way to my goal in early mid May. I was riding a lot more, I was on a training plan for climbing, I had even uped my running mileage. I was focused and ready. Every free moment of my time was spent focusing on my goals. I was even looking pretty great :) I was climbing stuff, I'd never done before. I was meeting new people and doing cool things.

Then the end of the May happened. I crashed. I was exhausted. I assumed it was the end of the year burn out and the fact I had been trying to do too many things, but most of my days were spent laying on the couch and watching Seinfeld and Bob's Burgers. You see non-teachers the end of the year sucks. You have children who no longer listen, you have colleagues who are openly drained and whiny, and you have the mountain of paperwork looming; however, I had a pretty good year. I had created systems that were working and my students love consistency and regularity, so my end of the year was pretty great. I got done with all my paperwork, but I was exhausted regardless. I canceled climbing adventures and rarely rode my bike. I was tired. I just wanted to lie down.

I had a mountain bike trip that was planned the Saturday after I got out of school, rain canceled it and Paul and I just wanted to check out Levi's Mound. It was a blast, but I was uncontrollably tired the next day. We went to John Muir and I tried to push through it. I ended up falling off an obstacle and landing directly on my face. I was pretty shaken up, I wanted to ride through it and I struggled with some nausea and dizziness. I woke up the next morning and my left leg felt shattered. I was having ringing in my knee and heel. I felt horrible. It didn't make sense, I fell on my face. I didn't fall on my leg, but I chalked it up to pushing through a hard workout.

1 week later and my body still didn't feel right. I rested, iced and took ibuprofen. My legs felt dead and a little twinge would cause me to almost collapse. As any good runner thinks, I just need to run it out. I tried. The next morning my knee hurt more. The pain was moving all around. I kept thinking I needed to ride it out and stop being a baby, but after my ride, my knee swole up to almost double the size of normal. I went to the doctor, to a sports doctor and scheduled a MRI. No one had an immediate answer. Some suggested I had gout or tore something. I had 40 ml of fluid in my leg, the doctor thought I might have some type of infection. I asked the doctor to run a test for Lymes, he agreed...

I had Lymes. I went through 4 doctors visits and an MRI before I was tested for Lymes. In all fairness, I didn't have a classic "bulls-eye" and I didn't connect the dots that my night fevers and lethargy was caused by the Lymes. I didn't know what to tell the doctors in their rushed and quick versions.

So where am I know?

I haven't climbed in over 6 weeks.
I cannot run from my house to my car without feeling pain.
Riding my mountain bike uphill causes severe pain in my leg.
I can ride my road bike, but there is struggles with general fitness and I struggle up hills.
I have had some success in swimming.
I am on antibiotics and unfortunately one of the side effects is sun sensitivity. This means when I am out in the sun, I feel drained easier and am exhausted.
I am fat as fuck. I am over 175 pounds now and have been comforting myself in eating the foods that make me feel better.
I am sad. I feel lost. I feel lonely. What am I if I am not outdoors exploring or running or climbing or cycling? What am I?

So what am I doing to combat this?

I am going to ride my road bike even though it is painfully boring. My goal is to still ride a 100 miler by the end of the summer.
I started the Keto diet again. I need to stop this pain in my legs and trying to eat anti-inflammatory foods is the way to go. I know how much sugar effects me, my brain and my mood.
I am going to try and be patient with myself. I have a disease and it is not me wussing out when I don't feel right or tired.
I am going to try to drink Kombucha, eat Kimchi, and fermented food daily to combat the antibiotics.
I am reestablishing myself to my sobriety and spiritual practices. I cannot let myself feel this sad or lonely when I have a community out there waiting for me.
I am fucking Jason Penticoff. I am a champion. I am a kind, caring person. I offer love and patience to my children and friends.

I know this is stupid, but I really just needed to get this off my chest. I always will be an oversharer. Deal with it.