Failure...it is an option

So what now...

I have been struggling intensely since the summer. I never did hit 100 miles. I hit 80 frequently and hit 90 once, but I never did hit the illustrious 100 mile mark.

I felt like a fraud writing about how great I was doing, when inside I hated running. My body was beat up. I was struggling with electrolyte imbalances, cramping up in my sleep and running slower. But I did what most of us do,  I pushed through and said, "I will get through this. I will become tougher. I need to keep pushing forward."

However, it left me feeling frustrated and empty. Running became a job and once the school year started (I am a teacher.) I fell apart. I could move through the runs, but I felt hurt and broken.

I ran North Face 50k with a time of 447. It is about 25 minutes slower than I wanted, but while I was running it felt as if a ball pein hammer was smashing into my psoas muscles and I shortened my stride. I then paced the Chicago marathon and I felt sluggish and hurt. I got a massage afterwards and started to feel a little better. But every time I ran over 9 miles the hammer would enter my hips, and once it started the pain never ended.

So I lined up for the Fall 50, with modified hopes and expectations. I knew there would be pain, but that I wanted to finish. I wanted to prove I could run through pain and be a tough guy. But after 9 miles, the pain came back and my pace went from 8s to 9s to 10s to 12s. I was hobbling. I was in pain. I was in worse pain than at NF. I couldn't extend my stride. I was miserable. So, I dropped. It sucked, I hated to do it. Luckily my friend, Jessica Garcia's boyfriend, was waiting for me and he drove me to my phone. Jessica went to finish 3rd overall female. I wanted to be by her side when she celebrated victory.

So what now? My future in running feels bleak.

BUT NO!!!! Running has been a life force in my life. It got me off the couch, saved me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Running has been there for me when I needed it. Through the cancer of my father, through the struggles of adulthood and through the ups and downs of depression, anxiety and addiction.

Join me as I fight back! Join me as I learn how to be a stronger and smarter runner. I have PT sessions lined up, I have gait analysis lined up, and I have a new commitment to strength. I will make it through and be a better runner.

I will be back.